i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
