Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
