I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Randomize
