gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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