capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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