Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
