Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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