The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
