And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
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I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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