I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
