At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
