am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
