oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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