god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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