but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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