sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
