seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
