I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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