My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
