I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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