I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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