apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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