i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
