Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Most Annoying Things Drivers Do on the Road
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
People Share What It’s Really Like to Date Long Distance
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.