Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
