Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
