How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
