I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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