I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
