A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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