The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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