Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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