theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
