I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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