grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
