You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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