Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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