Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
