took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
