Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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