What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
