Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
