Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
