hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
