"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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