Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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