If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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