I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
