3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
