When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
