I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
