Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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