I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Randomize
