so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
